The whining of a small child can drive most adults to distraction. Even if you are the most patient of parents, aunts, or uncles, the chances are that a toddler’s demands can make you wish you had someone to whine to as well. There are many situations in life where adults legitimately should be able to voice their complaints to others. Unfortunately, either because we associate complaining with whining, we may not be able to voice those complaints at all, or in a way that will guarantee some type of corrective action.
Complaints fall into a special category of communication. By definition, they are negative in nature and unpleasant to hear.
Although there may be an expectation by the speaker of some type of redress, a complaint doesn’t always carry with it the goal of effecting change. You may believe you’re powerless, that no one is really listening, or that your complaint is so unique to you that no one would understand.
Complaining also has that unfortunate association with whining. A constant complainer, though perhaps justified on any one occasion, gets the reputation of being a whiner. No one wants to be called a whiner, least of all the whiner, so as a result we may turn our whining inward. At some point, though you try to suppress it, you reach the limits of your tolerance, and the complaints fall effortlessly from your lips. The less the apparent provocation, from the outsider’s perspective, the more unreasonable you seem. Now your complaining brings you squarely into whining territory.
Another feature of whining is the nasal tone of voice we associate with the way in which the complaint is expressed. Imagine yourself saying: “This is so unfair!” It’s almost as if the words beg to be spoken more through your nose than your throat. Added to that the downward intonation (“This is so unfair”) that accompanies such phrases, and the stage is set for your justified perception of mistreatment to sound like a good old-fashioned whine.
According to University of Colorado Boulder psychologist and consumer researcher A. Peter McGraw and colleagues (2015) “Whether due to bad weather, a rude barista, or an unmet brand promise, complaining is a common, important part ofsocial life “ (p. 1153). Furthermore, humorous complaining has become somewhat of an art form, practiced (and nearly perfected) by The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart, millions of Twitter and Facebookposters, and reviewers on Yelp.
With its positive associations, humor can neutralize the negative connotations of complaining. “Humorous complaining,” the McGraw team points out, can have beneficial effects because of this softening effect on the overall negative tone of a complaint. This may help you from being labeled a whiner, but as they showed in a series of studies examining how people respond to complaints, using humor in your complaints may also keep the complaint from leading to corrective action.
If you want to change the situation that caused the complaints, or at least get support from others, you’re best off using a serious tone. If you’re not careful, though, that serious tone can get pretty nasal and you’re back into whining territory.
With this background in mind, here are the six tips that can help your complaining lead to positive action and, importantly, preserve your non-whining reputation:
1. Use humor judiciously. Because humor can offset the negativity of complaining, it may be a good way to introduce the topic of your dissatisfaction. You might also interject a joke or two into the conversation, but keep the lightness to a minimum.
2. Avoid a nasal tone of voice. Knowing that your intonation tends to go down when you’re saying something negative, and that people who hear complaining may be particularly sensitive to that tone, control your voice so that it conveys a serious, but not harsh or singsong quality. This will also help you maintain your adult equilibrium, another important asset to a successful complaint.
3. Reserve your complaints for valid, legitimate purposes. It’s possible that everything about a situation or person strikes you as problematic, but only register complaints for the problems that strike you as most serious. Your boss may continuously provoke your rage over everything from a lower-than-expected raise to the way he or she drinks coffee. If you’re seeking compensation for that salary slight, let the sloppy drinking habits go by the boards.
4. Try to point out something favorable to balance the complaint. The risk of complaining is not only that you get labeled a whiner but that the overall impression you leave on others is a negative one. Show that you can appreciate the good as well as be sensitive to the bad. Interestingly, McGraw and his fellow researchers found that humor tended to neutralize praise. If you’re going to say something nice that you want to be appreciated as such, adopt that serious tone of voice I discussed earlier.
5. Partner up with someone in the same situation. One person raising a complaint can be more easily ignored or branded a whiner than can a pair who share the same issue. Find someone to write or go with you to seek a right to the wrong. If it’s that boss who’s treating you poorly, and you decide to go to a supervisor, go with a workmate to that supervisor and plan ahead of time who will say what.
6. Come up with a solution, not just a complaint. Whether alone or as part of a team, it’s important for you to offer the correction that you think is fair. This automatically gives you something positive to say and may help you keep that nasal tone of voice under control. More importantly, it helps separate you from that whining toddler you want not to look like. Not too many two-year-olds have the ability to suggest a reasonable alternative to their demands.
Because complaining is such a common feature of life, it’s important for your well-being and the health of your relationships to figure out how to pull it off properly. These six tips will help guarantee that you’ll not only complain more effectively, but have fewer situations about which to complain in the future.
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