When a Child Is No Longer a Child

Young adults are adults, not children

 A friend, Lucy Rosen, posted this on herFacebook page: “I have a friend with a child in college. My friend pays for the young man’s apartment, his school and book tuition and gives him an allowance.
Does this parent have the right to log into the school’s dashboard to review grades and projects? What do you all say?”

Yes, said most respondents. The answer seemed obvious to many. Some saw it as the parents’ right to monitor their child; some saw it as the person who pays the bills makes the rules.

The problem is more complicated. There is a distinction to be made between whether there is a right to do something and whether it is right to do it. The former question tends to be a legal one and here the answer is clear: parents don’t have a right to their child’s school record once the child reaches eighteen or is in a post-secondary school regardless of the child’s age. The law assumes that anyone in college is an adult and is entitled to the same privacy protection laws as any other adult.

There may be a difference between being legally and emotionally an adult. Or parents may be reluctant to admit that their children are now adults. This relates more to family dynamics than it does to any legal or moral right.

Of course, parents may request that children share their records with them. Parents are free to do that. So the question becomes whether it is right to force a child to divulge such information assuming that they are reluctant to do so. Is it morally right for a parent of an adult child to demand that the child reveal information that they might otherwise want to keep private?

Parent-child relations are one thing when the child is a minor: the parent has a duty to provide security, health and education. The child assumes no corresponding duty to the parent. But when the child becomes an adult, the moral weight shifts. Adults are entitled to be treated as adults even when they are someone’s child.

In the case presented by Lucy’s friend, there is an adult child who is still dependent upon his or her parents. This isn’t any longer an adult-minor relationship but an adult-adult one that continues deep historical bonds. While history can’t be ignored, an adult child relationship to her parents in an instance in which parents continue financial support should more resemble any other adult-adult connection.

Paying for a child’s college education can be thought of as an obligation or as a loan. If it isn’t construed as a parental duty, then it needs to be made without strings. If it is a loan, then the restrictions need to be spelled out in advance. This is how adults function. And a grown child is an adult, even if a parent might see it otherwise and even if the child is acting like a jerk.